Each day on the way into work, or during a quiet moment over lunch, I ask myself a simple question.

"Am I a twat?"

I ask myself this because a twat is the worst thing you can possibly be in life.

It's even worse than being French.

Encirclement

Stalin knew this more than anyone.

His anxiety about being thought of as a'pizda' (the Russian for 'twat')is well documented in his diaries.

General Zhukhov, Stalin records on 31 September 1942 (with his usual litany of expletives)...

...muttered 'pizda' under his breath during this morning's war committee and accused me openly of leading our boys into "yet another fucking encirclement".

Zhukhov survived this episode, Stalin continued, only because...

... he alone can send these bastard kraut-pigs packing. And to be perfectly frank, mother, this guy gives me the shits. Was he holidaying in Florida in '37?

Scientific test

So where was I? Ah yes.

For the first time ever, I'm going to allow you, too, to take my simple, one question 'Twat Test'.

Scientists were involved in the creation of this test so don't knock it.

While appearing totally random and irrelevant, it's deceptively complex and laden with all kinds of hidden meanings.

So here goes.

Am I a twat?

If the answer is 'no', congratulations, you're not a twat. Go drink some super-strength lager and chew on a fruity.

If the answer is 'yes', I'm sorry, you are a complete twatand Isuggest you spend a bit of time looking at the etymology of this word.